One after another: feels like dying

The room smell of Chloe parfum, a gift from nigel for my 20th birthday, it is 10times or even 100times stronger than the usual dosage that you will spray on yourself.

This morning, my sister's hand lost its grip and "cringggg", the glass bottle broke into pieces. I was sleeping deadly before and that sound woke me up instantly. I got so irritated. Both by the fact that i had a long day ytd and that she broke MY parfum!! I barely even use it! Why do unplesant things always happened when i am in the most terrible mood. To make things worst, today is our monthsary. What should i do?

Option 1: Scold my sister
Whats the point? She broke it, theres no way that bottle of parfum is coming back together ever again.

Option2: Ask her to buy another one? But this wont BE my birthday gift already, its just a replacement.

Option 3: Dinner and thats it? She say she is sorry and would buy me dinner. As if that can take away the emotions that are building from within my left chest.

Last one that i could think of: forgive and let it go. I wont forget though, i have pretty good memory. I have from now till evening to decide what to do with her or myself. One part of me is deciding whether to run away. Stay in school till 10.30 and reach home at 12. This way, i would have successfully skipped the awkward dinner and to face her(she'll probably be sleeping by then). But running away doesnt seem like my style. Escaping only gives u more time but doesnt solve the problem. And as u escape, the situation get worst. Totally clueless on what i SHOULD do.

I think after this week, i will probably be braindead.

Black Cat in Funeral

There's this story that goes around in funeral saying that if a black cat hops onto the coffin, the body will sit up and becomes a living dead. During the three days we notice this black cat that is always trying to enter the void deck. we start to wonder, how come there's always black cat around a funeral. our conclusion, yellow attracts black cat. But last day we saw something the black cat was actually brought here from somewhere! It climbs up the vegetarian catering lorry specially for funerals and travels with it. Smart cat! (:

Henry Ho

Day 1

I think previously when i receive the call in the morning, i couldnt convinced myself that its true. It sounded absurd. But now i am, at the void deck covered with yellow cloth, i knoe all these are true, he is gone. Henry left us today at 3am. Sobbing sounds were heard everywhere. I looked at his chubby face in the flower frame, still as handsome and optimistic as always. Who would have expected this??

The greatest victim is nonetheless his wife, Angeline. They were only married for 2 years! Henry has 3 children, 2 biological and a step daughter. Angeline was a divorcee few years back before she met Henry and became part of his life. I didnt really like how she goes for branded but now i pitied that she has to go through this alone. She is just 27/28. Her children were too young to help, 9 years old nana, 2 years Travis and a 3 months old Eugenia cant do much. She looked sunken and weak. All the weight she had put on during her last pregnancy was all gone. I just hope she pulls through.

Hazel and Stanley aint in good shape either. I heard she cried 5 times and were too weak to do anything. But here she is putting the funeral in place. Grandma and granddad were devastated. I do not want to imagine how it felt to lose a son. The pain is beyond one can tolerate.

We didn't cry. My mum and dad had occasional watery eyes but they fight back the tears. I overhear a auntie telling a lady: “at least you cried" i wonder why she said that. Didnt she knows that people who fight back their tears are the ones who feels really sad?? Who would have known how much my dad dotes his younger step brother. Usually it takes only 1 sentence or even 1 word to mess our spirit.

At that time, my mind was filled with rage. I couldnt believe how selfish he is. Stories of why he wanted to take that irreversible step out of 25th storey were flying around. Mostly evolve around money. I tried to put myself in his shoe and his actions were definitely not on my list. My mum said "auntie say she would pay for anything to get him back." well, it’s a little too late now.

We are leaving soon but will be back tml and the day after to walk with him the last time. I hope they will pull themselves together. Everyone has to face this someday, sooner or later. It just happened that his came earlier. We have to live on whether it is for him or for ourselves. He wouldnt want us to stop. Tears will dry up and i am sure we can make it through.

Day 2

I had a long day in school and was feeling exhausted and had headache. My grandma, my father's biological mum, came. Her help was greatly appreciated as she told us to fold the incense offerings. From her, if these papers were folded, he will be able to receive it easily. None of these were proven but we just followed. At that point of time, getting our mind on something else seems to be the best choice. Step-grandma came to talk to grandma. And i know she had left the old time grudges for another day. Right now what step-grandma needs is people's support. I am glad grandma came.

Looking around, No one is crying already. Tear lines were left on the cheeks, evidence of the dried tears streaming before. Slowly we are taking in, he is not coming back.

Ritual started around 7, split into 3 to 4 sessions. I was too tired to remember how many times i had to go and sit at the mat behind the monks. The monks chanted and some of us followed along with an easier version. This ceremony serves to bring his soul to the light where he can cross to the other side and brings peace to his soul. We walked thrice around his coffin in each session to bring the chanting closer to him. Finally when it had ended, relieve was all i felt. Strangely, i feel incredibly calm when i was there. My head wasnt throbbing and my heart stayed still.

We chatted with others while our hands are busy. Hazel came over and said she was so busy with the guest to have anytime to breathe. It was 12 midnight when she came over. My mum had insisted her to go home and rest saying she is the pillar of the family now. She couldn't imagine how the family would be like without her. Hazel just nod, eyes not leaving her hands.

Stanley looked awful. He is the only person who is old and young enough to pray for his elder brother. No one is going through exactly the same thing as him. I saw him kneeling and bowing nonstop the whole day, following monk's instructions during the ritual. I no longer think that he is sad. Numb is a better word. He is like a puppet that has lost his soul and is merely following instructions. 2 days and he hasnt rest. Not because he dont want but because he cant. A funeral cannot be left unguarded especially at night when all went home. He knows pretty well he has to be the one doing all these and he didn't say anything. His spirit presented bravery and maturity. I was so afraid that he will give way and hope he survives through tml. My dad had made an absolute right choice in cremating early. If the ceremony were to push till afternoon, i dont know how he can manage.

It was 1 am when we got back home. Everyone rushed into sleep, trying our best to catch as much sleep as possible.

Day 3

6am each of us slowly get up and prepare. Prepare to cry out loud. It was also today that i realize i was deeply wrong. "If he were to turn to his family, none of this will have happened." well totally not true. Turns out a few years ago before he file for bankruptcy, he borrowed money from his family. Time after time people lost fate in him and eventually turn him down. Would things be different if he tries to go to his family before he took that step? By means or by fault, he will still be gone. I am quite glad he didnt make that choice to approach them first. It will meant additional guilt for his family.

I was wrong about nana being the most innocent victim too. Although she experienced twice his dad left her but dont forget among all her siblings, she is the one who has got both parents alive. Her biological father occasionally looks for her. Not so fortunate for the other 2.

We stood opposite the body waiting for the ceremony to move his body to begin. Angeline had drifted several times with her children towards the coffin with tears falling out from her eyes. Today is the last day his body will be in this world. At the final call for coffin to be lifted, she hugged it tight. Eventually some people dragged her out to continue the ceremony. While the coffin was being lifted, most of us turned our back at it. Old people say, if you stare at the coffin when it is lifted, you could get ur soul caught and be like a living dead. Not sure how much of it is true but better to believe than to be sorry rights? People followed behind at a call to walk with him the last time. My first tear came rolling down. I dont know why but it just came out.

We walked for a while and i kept thinking when was the last time i walk with him? Probably back in primary school? I smile to myself, its nice to be able to walk with him again-although i would preferred not to be in this situation. Next we board the bus and arrive at Mandai Cremation Hall.

Last ceremony held at seminar hall. We gave our last bow and left for the viewing hall. The previous time when i was here i didnt cry. I guess i was too young to know anything. Back then it was my mother's brother and now my dad's.

We wait impatiently for the coffin to be at position. Funeral planner took the opportunity to tell us to shout for him to get out of the body and escape the flaming fire. We are prepared for the moment. Coffin is finally in sight, Stanley didnt wait and started mumbling. His voice hit my tear glands like some activator and my tears keep on coming. Even though it wasnt the time to shout yet, i followed, mumbling to myself for him to leave. 10 secs or 20secs or 1 min, i didnt know how long the journey took for the coffin to reach the chamber. Every milliseconds pass, part of our energy was taken away. When the que came, mumbling became words and louder and louder it gets. Sobbing roar into crescendo and were probably even clearer than words. My sister stood beside me crying so hard that she couldnt even make sentences out of her mouth. I controlled and make sure i got every words right, "uncle get up and move away!!" he has to be able to hear at least one clear voice behind all the other crying. Finally the chamber closes, we all know at that instance, he is gone, forever.

Many of us went to toilet but most stayed at the waiting area. I washed my eyes making sure they dont look as puffy. My sister did the same but couldnt help crying again as we walked towards to waiting area. My tears start to fall too. It is exhausting! One second you are fighting the urge to cry and next your tears betrayed you. We washed our face with flower water which is meant to clean away the bad luck and headed back to the bus.

Last stop of the day. We are back to the void deck, now only with 5 empty tables. This is the last reunion or rather the first reunion without him. We have to get used to it no matter how badly we miss him.

It is time to leave. Once and for all we are required to leave the heavy feelings down as we head over to my dad's lorry. I lie against the wall and felt relieved. It is not as exhausted as I expected it to. My body was definitely powerless but my mind still clear. I understand that there are many unsolved problems that need immediate attention but we aint in any position to suggest anything. I love how people used to describe life as a diary or a book. This page of the book has been flipped whether we are able to let go or not. Life still has to move on. To our Ho family, his actions had definitely made some impact but we cant just sit around being sad. There are others who we must treasure. Let it down. He will always be in our heart and live with us.

Lastly, let time heal our wounds though there will be scar, it will help us rmb him. God bless us.

Salsa En Sync

Dance practice started out in a bad way as Gary got really furious at us for not able to do spot turn. I tried my best to learn and one turn seems okay for me. But two? Thats a little hard. I am not finding excuses but even some seniors can't do the two spot turns. Its tough. I still couldn't figure out how Siti does it. She is like a god in salsa. Everything seem so easy when she does it. Hope one day I can be like her. 

The salsa choreo is making some progression, at least this is what Gary said. another 45 secs to go. But I guess refining the dance and planning the choreo is two different thing. Refining usually takes longer time. Before Elijah came to join us, Arbisak was my partner. He dances really well and I can make that "two" spot turns! When Elijah came, I failed terribly. We couldn't hit the timing and he didn't do the small small part of the choreo. I sort of helped him to cheat saying "I will just put my hand at the back when you forget to swing it." Bad idea but It sort of prevented us from looking weird. Another thing, although we have not been practising outside, I can feel some connection with him. Hmmmm... should quote an example. There was this part where by my left leg is suppose to go inbetween his leg as he cross over me. I will retract my leg and make two turns using my elbow as the pivoting point. Last two practises I lost my balance after one turn but ytd I could do both! Although ytd I fell quite badly once and landed on my back. But the rest was good. Hees. at least some improvements.

Samba is way more enjoyable than salsa though. but during the practise, i notice jia min was gone. She took quite sometime to get back. And when she's back, she came to me and ask me to go out. hmmm i was super suspicious but when i open the door, I knew what i was facing. Karmen and Amelie were there sitting on the floor. Amelie broke the slience "We want to know, do you mind being the next Salsa En Sync chairperson?". I knew what was coming but having heard it straight from them is totally different."eh. I don't think I have what it takes to be a chairperson." However, whatever reasons that I gave for not wanting to be the chairperson were rebutted by their "explanations". I was particularly concern about committing during vacation due to the need to work during holidays. instead of hearing things like "no, you dont have to as there are nothing much during vacation." they answered with "If you are the chairperson, you can arrange in such a way that everyone accommodate to your plan."  Tempting! super tempting. Hahs. but I still doesn't think I am capable. Anyway, after the interview my emotions were a little bit affected. Didn't enjoy the rest of samba. I am glad we ended early.

Had a nice chat with Flo. Jian Qi saw us and he was like "you two are so complicated". hahas. NOTHING is complicated as Jian Qi and his Miss Tan. Anyway, its just a friendly talk. Today Flo is suppose to meet up with the girl. Hope everything turns out well for him. It is a make or break situation. Love is always like that. Why isn't there a third choice?

Oh my smurf!, its so late already. Got to sleep. Nice narrating the story (self-praised).

Phylisia's Departure

Bon Voyage my girlfriend. She left Singapore today at 3.50pm, sitting on Tiger airways flying towards Perth, Australia.

Many years ago, fate brought us together, letting this angel into my life. Not only has she been a good friend, she is also my savior in many many incidents. We might not be the typical bestfriends who call each other everyday to gossip on the phone, but we are definitely the kind who knows what each other is thinking with a tap on the finger. Today, she had taken her first step in exploring her future. She left her family and headed to Murdoch University pursuing her studies in Vet Studies. Her ambition is to be a Vet for the horses. She had found herself in horses and is driven by this passion to go so far away. I gave her my best wishes as I sent her off. I was fighting back my tears when she walked into the departure hall. I saw her eyes turn red too. At least a year before she gets a chance to come back. I will be here waiting for her though.

People leave and come back. it is suppose to be easy but when I actually experience this, I understand how heart breaking this is. Maybe one day I will get used to people leaving my life and just treat it as another page in that chapter.

God, please look after Phylisia as she needs your guidance now.