Mother's Guilt

Its real. Mother's guilt. 

When I was having Cathelyn, I thought everything will still be the same. Let husband carry the young one and I'll give the elder one the same level of attention as before. Well, it didn't happen. I forgot that the younger one also has a mind of her own, even though she just came to this world. Both needed mummy. 

One day, during dinner time, Cathelyn was being cranky. She wants to join us at the dinner table too. I held her with my left and ate dinner with the other. After the majority is done with dinner, Cathelyn was passed off to someone so I could finish my dinner, which happened to be chilli crab! Something that had to be eaten with both hands. While I was eating, Valerie came. She said stretching her hands in front of her: "Mummy is not carrying Cathelyn, so can Bao Bao me". This immediately brought tears to my eyes. I had been carrying Cathelyn so much that I forgot this is a great change for Valerie. The arrival of Cathelyn, the divided attention from parents. Its a great deal for her yet she is also so sensible. She didn't demand for me to carry her when I'm carrying the little one. She settled for second best option - to be carried by daddy. 

One night, Cathelyn kept crying even when carried by my husband. I couldn't bear to hear her cry and had went to carry her. Her cry soften to a muffle. It was bed time for Valerie. I used to hug and pat her to sleep. That night, she wanted to do the same, but I couldn't hug both kids. In the end, she had to compromise and fall asleep on her own. It finally dawned on me that I can never treat Valerie the same way though I still love her the same. 

Mother's guilt sets in. The belief that we can do the same when life has radically changed caused it. I've came to realise that to get past this, I have to let go and accept that life is different and that I have to adapt, I can never give Valerie all of me. Valerie did so well in accepting the disruption this little one has done to her life. I too, have to learn that things are never the same. 

My husband says, I need to focus on the good. I've brought Valerie a lifelong companion and Valerie will be thankful in the future that she has shared my attention with her sister. 

I'm still working on focusing the good and understanding this new interaction between us 3. It's work in progress but I hope it will come to an end soon.