Henry Ho

Day 1

I think previously when i receive the call in the morning, i couldnt convinced myself that its true. It sounded absurd. But now i am, at the void deck covered with yellow cloth, i knoe all these are true, he is gone. Henry left us today at 3am. Sobbing sounds were heard everywhere. I looked at his chubby face in the flower frame, still as handsome and optimistic as always. Who would have expected this??

The greatest victim is nonetheless his wife, Angeline. They were only married for 2 years! Henry has 3 children, 2 biological and a step daughter. Angeline was a divorcee few years back before she met Henry and became part of his life. I didnt really like how she goes for branded but now i pitied that she has to go through this alone. She is just 27/28. Her children were too young to help, 9 years old nana, 2 years Travis and a 3 months old Eugenia cant do much. She looked sunken and weak. All the weight she had put on during her last pregnancy was all gone. I just hope she pulls through.

Hazel and Stanley aint in good shape either. I heard she cried 5 times and were too weak to do anything. But here she is putting the funeral in place. Grandma and granddad were devastated. I do not want to imagine how it felt to lose a son. The pain is beyond one can tolerate.

We didn't cry. My mum and dad had occasional watery eyes but they fight back the tears. I overhear a auntie telling a lady: “at least you cried" i wonder why she said that. Didnt she knows that people who fight back their tears are the ones who feels really sad?? Who would have known how much my dad dotes his younger step brother. Usually it takes only 1 sentence or even 1 word to mess our spirit.

At that time, my mind was filled with rage. I couldnt believe how selfish he is. Stories of why he wanted to take that irreversible step out of 25th storey were flying around. Mostly evolve around money. I tried to put myself in his shoe and his actions were definitely not on my list. My mum said "auntie say she would pay for anything to get him back." well, it’s a little too late now.

We are leaving soon but will be back tml and the day after to walk with him the last time. I hope they will pull themselves together. Everyone has to face this someday, sooner or later. It just happened that his came earlier. We have to live on whether it is for him or for ourselves. He wouldnt want us to stop. Tears will dry up and i am sure we can make it through.

Day 2

I had a long day in school and was feeling exhausted and had headache. My grandma, my father's biological mum, came. Her help was greatly appreciated as she told us to fold the incense offerings. From her, if these papers were folded, he will be able to receive it easily. None of these were proven but we just followed. At that point of time, getting our mind on something else seems to be the best choice. Step-grandma came to talk to grandma. And i know she had left the old time grudges for another day. Right now what step-grandma needs is people's support. I am glad grandma came.

Looking around, No one is crying already. Tear lines were left on the cheeks, evidence of the dried tears streaming before. Slowly we are taking in, he is not coming back.

Ritual started around 7, split into 3 to 4 sessions. I was too tired to remember how many times i had to go and sit at the mat behind the monks. The monks chanted and some of us followed along with an easier version. This ceremony serves to bring his soul to the light where he can cross to the other side and brings peace to his soul. We walked thrice around his coffin in each session to bring the chanting closer to him. Finally when it had ended, relieve was all i felt. Strangely, i feel incredibly calm when i was there. My head wasnt throbbing and my heart stayed still.

We chatted with others while our hands are busy. Hazel came over and said she was so busy with the guest to have anytime to breathe. It was 12 midnight when she came over. My mum had insisted her to go home and rest saying she is the pillar of the family now. She couldn't imagine how the family would be like without her. Hazel just nod, eyes not leaving her hands.

Stanley looked awful. He is the only person who is old and young enough to pray for his elder brother. No one is going through exactly the same thing as him. I saw him kneeling and bowing nonstop the whole day, following monk's instructions during the ritual. I no longer think that he is sad. Numb is a better word. He is like a puppet that has lost his soul and is merely following instructions. 2 days and he hasnt rest. Not because he dont want but because he cant. A funeral cannot be left unguarded especially at night when all went home. He knows pretty well he has to be the one doing all these and he didn't say anything. His spirit presented bravery and maturity. I was so afraid that he will give way and hope he survives through tml. My dad had made an absolute right choice in cremating early. If the ceremony were to push till afternoon, i dont know how he can manage.

It was 1 am when we got back home. Everyone rushed into sleep, trying our best to catch as much sleep as possible.

Day 3

6am each of us slowly get up and prepare. Prepare to cry out loud. It was also today that i realize i was deeply wrong. "If he were to turn to his family, none of this will have happened." well totally not true. Turns out a few years ago before he file for bankruptcy, he borrowed money from his family. Time after time people lost fate in him and eventually turn him down. Would things be different if he tries to go to his family before he took that step? By means or by fault, he will still be gone. I am quite glad he didnt make that choice to approach them first. It will meant additional guilt for his family.

I was wrong about nana being the most innocent victim too. Although she experienced twice his dad left her but dont forget among all her siblings, she is the one who has got both parents alive. Her biological father occasionally looks for her. Not so fortunate for the other 2.

We stood opposite the body waiting for the ceremony to move his body to begin. Angeline had drifted several times with her children towards the coffin with tears falling out from her eyes. Today is the last day his body will be in this world. At the final call for coffin to be lifted, she hugged it tight. Eventually some people dragged her out to continue the ceremony. While the coffin was being lifted, most of us turned our back at it. Old people say, if you stare at the coffin when it is lifted, you could get ur soul caught and be like a living dead. Not sure how much of it is true but better to believe than to be sorry rights? People followed behind at a call to walk with him the last time. My first tear came rolling down. I dont know why but it just came out.

We walked for a while and i kept thinking when was the last time i walk with him? Probably back in primary school? I smile to myself, its nice to be able to walk with him again-although i would preferred not to be in this situation. Next we board the bus and arrive at Mandai Cremation Hall.

Last ceremony held at seminar hall. We gave our last bow and left for the viewing hall. The previous time when i was here i didnt cry. I guess i was too young to know anything. Back then it was my mother's brother and now my dad's.

We wait impatiently for the coffin to be at position. Funeral planner took the opportunity to tell us to shout for him to get out of the body and escape the flaming fire. We are prepared for the moment. Coffin is finally in sight, Stanley didnt wait and started mumbling. His voice hit my tear glands like some activator and my tears keep on coming. Even though it wasnt the time to shout yet, i followed, mumbling to myself for him to leave. 10 secs or 20secs or 1 min, i didnt know how long the journey took for the coffin to reach the chamber. Every milliseconds pass, part of our energy was taken away. When the que came, mumbling became words and louder and louder it gets. Sobbing roar into crescendo and were probably even clearer than words. My sister stood beside me crying so hard that she couldnt even make sentences out of her mouth. I controlled and make sure i got every words right, "uncle get up and move away!!" he has to be able to hear at least one clear voice behind all the other crying. Finally the chamber closes, we all know at that instance, he is gone, forever.

Many of us went to toilet but most stayed at the waiting area. I washed my eyes making sure they dont look as puffy. My sister did the same but couldnt help crying again as we walked towards to waiting area. My tears start to fall too. It is exhausting! One second you are fighting the urge to cry and next your tears betrayed you. We washed our face with flower water which is meant to clean away the bad luck and headed back to the bus.

Last stop of the day. We are back to the void deck, now only with 5 empty tables. This is the last reunion or rather the first reunion without him. We have to get used to it no matter how badly we miss him.

It is time to leave. Once and for all we are required to leave the heavy feelings down as we head over to my dad's lorry. I lie against the wall and felt relieved. It is not as exhausted as I expected it to. My body was definitely powerless but my mind still clear. I understand that there are many unsolved problems that need immediate attention but we aint in any position to suggest anything. I love how people used to describe life as a diary or a book. This page of the book has been flipped whether we are able to let go or not. Life still has to move on. To our Ho family, his actions had definitely made some impact but we cant just sit around being sad. There are others who we must treasure. Let it down. He will always be in our heart and live with us.

Lastly, let time heal our wounds though there will be scar, it will help us rmb him. God bless us.